Dating Tips and Advice

Making A Good First Impression
by Trish McDermott
There are no second chances at making a spectacular first impression. Those first few seconds of contact become a benchmark for every subsequent impression you make. We are a world in a hurry, an accelerated pace keeps us competitive, instant assumptions often lead to immediate decisions to accept or reject a job, a deal, or even a potential lover. In romance many of us, especially anyone who has been around the block, take a WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) approach. Why second-guess the obvious? In just under ten seconds, enough time to read the first few lines of an email, glance at a profile or extend your hand and offer a friendly "hello," someone is forming a first and lasting impression of you. Is it a good one?

Your Profile As A First Impression
Your profile is a uniquely personal introduction. Think of it as equivalent to not only what you say when first meeting a potential date, but also what you are wearing, your posture, eye contact, the firmness of your handshake--even your makeup, perfume or cologne. While there is no one profile style that suits everyone, a charming, humorous, poignant, creative or otherwise distinctly unique approach may improve your results. Likewise, there are some general breeches of romantic protocol and self-expression that should be avoided. You wouldn't show up late, wear a soiled jacket, or chew with your mouth open on a first date at a fine restaurant, so don't behave inappropriately or to your romantic detriment in your profile.

* Use an uncommon or striking headline. Avoid boring demographic descriptions like "SF Seeks SM for LTR." Instead, have some fun. Be daring! Elicit an emotion! Express yourself!
* Proofread. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are as important as content. Think of the presentation of your message as a way of dressing for a date. While clothes don't make the man (or woman), no one wants to appear shoddy or unkempt.

* Say it with style. What you say may not be as important as how you say it. Play with language. Write poetry. Tell a story. Perform stand-up comedy.
* Be less-than perfect. Regardless of the style you choose or the language you use to express yourself, be careful not to extol your many virtues to the point of boredom, or even suspicion. No one can be that perfect. Your minor faults and charming inconsistencies make you human, interesting and approachable.

* Avoid sending up red flags. Don't whine, complain or drivel on about any problems in your life. Refrain from casting yourself in the role of the victim, the egregiously wronged, or the emotionally mortally wounded. Never use the word "desperate," or bring up war stories from past relationships. Be positive and optimistic. Chaos, depression and drama aren't attractive attributes.

Your Email As A First Impression
Your first email is like the beginning of a cocktail party conversation. Introduce yourself appropriately. Listen as much as you talk. Show interest in the other person. Be confident, but also genuine. Make eye contact. Connect.

As with your profile, first emails should follow basic rules for presentation and content. Experiment and find a style that works for you. Use the subject line like a headline, proofread, be creative, positive and genuine. Avoid anything canned or trite. Pick-up lines don't work and you will rarely make a good first impression, or get a response using one. First emails should always be individually written and work best when conversational in style. Mention something about the recipient's profile. Where did you sense a connection? Ask a question or two and include some brief information about yourself. It's OK to flirt or tease a little, even during your first contact, but keep things light and friendly.

First Impressions In The Real World
If all goes well, your spectacular profile and carefully crafted emails will eventually lead to a first date in the real world. Although you may feel as though you already know each other, you have yet to become familiar with each other's physical presence, and that can take some getting used to. First face-to-face encounters can be awkward or even shocking, regardless of the positive feelings you already have for each other.

You make your best real-world first impression by being calmly and confidentially yourself. Try to enjoy the nervous energy you are feeling. Have fun. Remember to smile. People are perceived as more attractive when they are having a good time. Your date will form an immediate first (physical) impression of you, usually in under ten seconds, based on some combination of these attributes:
posture, walk, body language, attire, physical characteristics, smile/facial features, handshake, grooming, scent/perfume, eye contact perceived confidence, perceived comfortableness.

Inside Information On Positive And Negative Impressions
Several hundred single men and women attending dating and flirting classes were asked to list the attributes they find attractive and unattractive in a potential partner. Below is a list of the most frequent responses. Although many of these attributes may not be immediately apparent, most will show up sometime during a first date.

Attributes Leading To A Positive Impression: , warmth , sense of humor , imagination , confidence , success , fitness , individuality body language , conversational ability , aspiration , power, creativity , kindness.

Attributes Leading To A Negative Impression:
self-centered, closed minded and judgmental, lack of manners , poor conversational ability , negative life attitude , lack of education immature , indecisive/without an opinion , lack of integrity , war stories from past relationships , whining and complaining , shallowness only interested in sex , power games and manipulation , materialistic.

There are no do-overs when it comes to first impressions, yet many of us fail to put our best foot forward during early romantic encounters. We want to be loved for who we are and are leery to "package" ourselves in any way. This is understandable, but not always realistic. Dating is a numbers game and, like it or not, dating occurs in a competitive environment. The next positive, first romantic impression you make may turn into life-long love--not a bad return on a relatively minor investment.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS
by Coco Helado

An English artist from the early part of the century, Louis Wain, used to create pictures of cats engaged in a variety of human-like pursuits. One painting would show several of them wearing top hats and playing a game of cards; another would depict kitties attired in summery dresses, as though preparing for a Sunday afternoon picnic. Louis Wain eventually became quite mad, and his works became increasingly bizarre. His felines took on wild-eyed, maniacal expressions, and had vivid colors and patterns emanating from their heads, like rock stars in psychedelic-era concert posters. The artist eventually died in a lunatic asylum, proving that anthropomorphizing our pets is a dangerous pastime indeed. Animals don't-and shouldn't-possess human qualities; instead it is us who ought to try to become more like our pets.

Yes, in the scheme of things, cats and dogs get little respect. On the rare occasion that we humans do acknowledge our animal natures, the animal in question usually winds up with little respect, as proven by a rundown of the pejorative terms we use: "Dumb animal." "Brute." "Bitch." "Dog." "Catty." But most people fail to realize that our relationships with one another would be much improved if we would only behave a little more like cats and dogs! Cats and dogs can be wonderful teachers, especially with regard to relationships.

For instance, women often complain to one another, "Men are dogs." If only we were so lucky! Ladies, we should pray that our men become as loyal and selfless as canines. Do not malign this noble animal with a negative comparison to your man. Instead, encourage men to embody dog-like qualities.

To start with, dogs are honest. They don't hide their feelings. They don't voice "harmless" little lies or tell us they've been somewhere when they haven't. We don't expect dogs to remember our birthdays and anniversaries because we know from the start that they are simply incapable of doing so. But we also know that whenever there is a celebration, they will enthusiastically join in the fun. And if ever they do something wrong-and they will-they look guilty and beg desperately for our forgiveness with such sad sweet eyes we are compelled to reach down and give them a pat on the head. One cannot hold a grudge against a dog.

But perhaps the most marvelous characteristic of dogs is that they absolutely live to serve their mistresses. Nothing makes them happier than making you happy. They are eternally loyal, and their lives are given meaning by ministering to others.

In fact, dogs make us remember what it is to be simply, perfectly happy. They charm and enchant us, lifting our spirits effortlessly. Walk down the street with a dog and the most dour faces light up instantly. Even a few minutes spent playing with a dog removes us from our hectic routines and burdensome responsibilities and into a world of joy, inspiring us to play like children-without regard to the adult world's cutthroat rules and competitiveness. Yes indeed-they say that dogs are "man's best friend," but really, they are women's!

Men, for their part, dismissively refer to women as "felines" and deplore what they term "catty behavior." A woman who succeeds in a corporation is sometimes said to have "clawed her way to the top." And then, of course, there's that problematic term, "pussy," sometimes used affectionately, but frequently deployed as slur.

But men should hold up cats as their feminine ideal. Consider the facts: Men often complain that women can be nagging and emotionally pushy. But cats are nothing if not sensitive to emotional and physical boundaries. They have the most carefully attuned sense of balance in all things, making them the perfect household companions. And cats have a certain keen intelligence that causes you to feel they are one step ahead of you at every turn.

Cats have a marvelous sense of discretion. They endure the company of others until it is boring, and not one second longer. It's not that they're snobbish, but they make no bones about how they really feel. One could never imagine a cat faking...anything!

Cats are never unpleasant, merely, at times, uninterested. And why not? They don't suffer fools gladly, preferring their own serene company to second-class companionship and clumsy attempts at affection. They are supremely secure beings who teach us that striving for a little bit of solitude is natural and desirable.

From a cat one learns grace, silence, and contentment. When stroke a purring cat you nearly begin to purr yourself! In fact, cats are incredibly tactile and sensual. Rub a cat the right way and she will truly appreciate your touch, stretching out and smiling to show her pleasure.

So here it is: the truth about cats and dogs. If we really did behave like them, perhaps the relations between the sexes would be a lot smoother. While the word on the street is that cats and dogs don't get along, anyone who has ever lived with both knows it isn't always the case. Cats and dogs can make the most charming companions. Perhaps there is no sight sweeter than that of the canine and feline sleeping together with a tender, quiet affection.

How to learn the wise ways of animals? Have a pet! After all, both having pets and having a partner offer similar benefits. Studies show that people in either situation tend to live longer, healthier lives. They keep us active and give us a sense of pride. We want to walk around with them and show them off! So the next time someone looks at you with disdain and says, "You're an animal," bow your head modestly and reply, "Well, I try."

Playing it Safe Online
by Linda Alexander, Esq. Before You Meet First Date Know-How

The Internet has become the hot new place for smart, eligible people to find romance, and those looking for love are swarming into cyberspace. As a result, many individuals have begun relationships online with people they have not met and know little about.

With so many people communicating via the Net and deciding to date virtual strangers, it is important to be safe and be smart. Common sense can go a long way to keep you safe. Here are some guidelines for playing it safe:
Watch out for someone who seems too good to be true.

Begin by first communicating solely by email or online chat. Be vigilant in noticing odd behavior or inconsistencies. If someone is evasive, this is a red flag. "Listen" to your correspondent's words. The person at the other end may not be who or what he/she says. Trust your instincts. If anything makes you uncomfortable, walk away for your own safety and protection.

Find out as much information as you can.
Learn to ask many questions. Find out where he grew up, where she works, and how he is connected to his community. These are clues to finding out who this person really is. Be suspicious, if someone is unwilling to reveal any personal identifying information. Probe any discrepancies in their stories. If your correspondent is unwilling to answer your questions, this is another red flag. Continue with a great deal of caution.

Honesty is the key to success.
Represent yourself accurately. Exaggerating or deceiving is easy online. Areas to be particularly cautious about are marital status and physical appearance. Begin with a request for a picture and send them a recent one of you. If someone is unwilling to send a recent photo, this is warning sign. If he or she continuously comes up with an excuse, it is because that person has something to hide. Having a scanned photo is available at Kinko's for less than ten dollars, so there is no valid excuse for not doing it. After you have exchanged photos, continue to fill in the gaps, so that the other person does not create you in their image. Keep it honest.

Talk on the telephone and continue to learn more about your correspondent.
A phone call can reveal a lot about a person's communication and social skills. It is worth the cost of the call to protect your security. But do not give out your phone number to a stranger. Trust takes time to develop. Only when you feel completely comfortable should you furnish your phone number.

Don't rush into anything.
Meeting someone online and then arranging a date in a relatively short time can be dangerous. Take time to find out who this person really is. If someone is pressuring you to get together before you are ready, this is another warning sign. If anything feels strange as you get to know this person, then it is time to back away and look for another match.

If you decide to meet for a date, proceed with caution. Arrange the meeting on your terms. The following is a guide to ensure that you have a safe encounter. Before you go out with someone new, it is important to get as much information as you can about the person you will meet.

1. Always ask for a full name, address, and telephone number before agreeing to go out with someone you have never met.

2. Never go out with someone who will only give you a pager or work phone number. (There is a very good chance of a spouse in the house.)

3. When someone gives his or her phone number, find a reason to call unexpectedly. This may help you to find out if she is married or he is living with someone.

4. Find out where the person works and if you can call him or her at work.

First Date Know-How
Be careful when agreeing to meet anyone in person.
Set the conditions for your date and do not let the other person change them. Remember, you really do not know someone until you spend time with them in person.

1. Always tell someone where you are going with your date and when you will return. Leave your date's full name and telephone numbers with that person and write it down. For a small fee, you can leave information regarding where you are going and all the pertinent details with a service called SmartDate at http://www.smartdate.com. If your date wants you to keep it secret, this is a very big red flag. Protect yourself.

2. Always meet in a public place that you are familiar with on your first date. Stay near other people in a lighted area. Getting together for coffee is a pleasant, casual way to get to know someone.

3. Never allow yourself to be picked up from your house. Giving your address out to a stranger is not safe. Arrange your own transportation so that you can leave if there is any sign of trouble.

4. Pay attention to everything that this person has told you about him or herself. If you find out that your date has lied about anything, this is another red flag.

5. Do not bring your date back to your house after the first meeting. You do not know this person. Use the same kind of common sense and rules that you would use in any type of dating relationship.
Be smart and be safe. Take control of your future. Know what you are getting into before you invest your heart, money, or your life. Information is the key.

How to Chat by Colleen Butler
In what resembles a scene from a sci-fi movie, people are chatting and dating in virtual rooms across the world. Chat rooms are everywhere and offer something for everyone.

Getting Started
Before embarking on your chat adventure, you should familiarize yourself with the concept of chat. Chat is quite different from email: it takes place in real-time. Once you type a message, everyone in the chat session views your words almost instantly. Chatting in real-time enhances the chat experience by creating a conversational atmosphere. You must have Internet access to chat. Online service providers offer a variety of services such as newsgroups, bulletin boards, and chats. Just click on the chat icon to get started. When choosing your username or anonymous handle, use anonymity to your benefit and select a name that reflects your personality.

For safety purposes, never reveal your real name, location, or telephone number. There are two types of chat: group and private. Group chats are virtual rooms filled with people hosting various discussions at the same time. Private chats are virtual rooms created by users who wish to host their chats in a more intimate setting. Both are public forums.
To create a comfortable environment and enhance your chatting experience, familiarize yourself with chat guidelines, etiquette, or tips.
Before you begin to chat, take a moment to view the conversations and get a feel for the atmosphere in the room. Introduce yourself and greet everyone in the room. A simple "Hello Everyone" is a great way to start.

Improving Chat Skills
Chat environments offer lively and entertaining exchanges for everyone who participates. Like anything else, chatting requires a little time and practice to fully enjoy the experience. Locate the chat schedule and discover what type of chatting activities are available. Most chat schedules are filled with celebrity hosts and offer a variety of topics. Moderated chat: Celebrity chats are an exciting way to learn the latest information or hobnob with the stars. Because they tend to draw a crowd, a moderated forum is used. Simply submit your question and a moderator will forward your question to the host. If your question is accepted, the host will reply. Always keep on topic when attending a celebrity chat. Be aware of the impression you make in a chat room. Sarcasm and well-intentioned criticisms lose their place in the chat environment.

Don't gossip. It seldom casts a flattering light upon you. Use chat rooms and tools to your advantage. "Ignore" anyone who is disruptive.
Expression is an important part of chat. Familiarize yourself with emoticons and other chat expressions to look and feel like a pro.

Chit-chat
Once you become comfortable with chatting, you will encounter new people and create friendships. Together, you will forge a community of individuals based on shared interests and life experience. To enhance your community experience I recommend the following:
Select a certain day, time, and chat room to meet your friends each week.
Once you establish a group forum, vary the location of your meetings to allow others to participate. Host your own chat events.
Create a friendly list serve or newsletter to remind your community members of any new information. Realize that trust and commitment are key components to any community and that they both take time to develop.

Judging a match by his mates
A friend can tell you a lot about a person. Nowhere is this more apparent than when you're getting to know someone romantically, whether you're a man or a woman looking for love.
Friends are people we choose to have close to us, unlike co-workers or family members, who, in their own ways, are typically imposed on us through mere coincidence. Friends reflect how we like to see ourselves. They enjoy our company. They know our quirks, and have learned to live with them. We are usually the best we can be in friends' eyes, admired, respected, and understood better by them than by anyone else we know.

So what do friends have to do with finding a mate? A great deal, if you know how to use them. A female Match.Com member recently sold me on the importance of meeting the friends of her prospective boyfriends: "If you go out with someone, you can learn a lot by seeing how they interact with their friends. If it is obvious that a guy's friends care about him, that's good--they know him better than you do. It also helps if you respect his friends and find them interesting." Of course, the same is true of women and their friends--you can tell a lot by how they interact.

So how does the friends barometer work? Below, I've outlined some benefits and drawbacks of using this friends tool.

Meeting 'The Friends' Is Great For:
Knowing you're important to your new mate. When you get introduced to the friends, it means either you've got great potential (yeah!), or you're a trophy (boo!)--you'll have to figure that out later. However, if you never get to meet the friends, then there are no friends or you aren't worthy of them. Time to say goodbye?

Seeing what he/she is like around others. This is especially important if you meet someone online--you get the chance to see how he or she stacks up socially with peers, not just one-on-one in email, over the phone, or at some back table in a restaurant.

Learning how your mate treats friends. Is he/she talkative, open, trusting, and happy? Sounds like you've found someone who knows what it takes to maintain close relationships. How your date treats her or his buddies could be a sign of things to come for you.

Meeting 'The Friends' Isn't So Useful When:
You really like your date, but could do without the friends. Knowing you don't get along with your lover's friends can be a real drag, not to mention stressful--they could be people you're going to be seeing a lot of.
You find the friends more interesting than your date. Do you cut your losses and move on, or continue the romance, waiting for the moment when you can go after the friend you've got your eye on? Could get ugly.

The friends always seem to be around. You could be just a minor blip in your mate's life, while the friends get most of the time and attention.
A friend hates you. If a friend persists in not liking you, you might have a situation where your mate is asked (or maybe forced) to choose between you. It has happened! You might as well forget the whole thing if more than three friends say you're no good.

The Limits of Friends
Meeting the friends isn't a tried and true way of telling whether you and your new mate will find bliss. It is only one of the many tools in the arsenal. If things don't go well when you meet them, don't despair. Just like any new introductions between people, things can be awkward. Friends can act like freaks when they're nervous with a newcomer in the room (you!). Or maybe they're insanely jealous that their friend finally found someone as wonderful as you.

On the other hand, the friends could adore you. In that case, you're in! Everyone likes you and you look better in your new mate's eyes--what more could you ask for?
So, if you're getting to know someone romantically, it's never too soon to go out and spend some time with friends as a group. Just think of all you could learn.

Finding Love Online -- After 50! by Randy B. Hecht
A 51-year-old man who was married for a few months at 20, raised his daughter alone and never remarried meets a 50-year-old woman who never had children and ended her 11-year marriage in 1978. Although neither reports any instant fireworks, the couple were married within two years.

John and Marcia (who asked that their real names not be used) met on OneandOnly.com and quickly joined the growing population of people who are over 50, on-line, and altar-bound again. Is there a common secret to their success? For the three couples I interviewed, each has matured into a sense of what's really important to them and discovered what they need to make a relationship work--something each believes could not have happened when they were younger.

Attraction or distraction?
John and Marcia's union was hardly love at first sight. "Things seemed to go pretty well, but neither of us was swept off our feet," they recall. "We just knew we'd had a nice time and had spent a nice evening together. We weren't physically attracted at first, which made the rest of it much easier. We were best friends first, and fell in love afterward."

Hope, a 50-year-old, twice-divorced woman who'd been single for fourteen years before meeting her current husband on OneandOnly.com, reports a similar experience. "I was (and still am) surprised that we 'took to' each other so easily," says Hope, who moved herself and her consulting business from Grand Rapids to Milwaukee, where her husband Dave, 53, is a member of the Symphony. "Actually, our phone and e-mail conversations had not been stellar, but enough to see that there were possibilities."

On the other hand, Annie, who is approaching 50, was instantly smitten with Alan, the same age. "When I got home after our first meeting, I sort of knew this would be it," she recalls. My friends were very suspicious--they aren't on-line, most of them--and they thought I was slightly crazy. But compared with bars and 'social' groups, I think I was the sane one."

The feeling was mutual. Alan, a self described geek (he's a computer software engineer) says, "I thought the meeting with Annie was just an opportunity to exercise my very rusty social skills. Thought we'd just have coffee and chat." But he knew "within minutes" that the relationship could turn serious--despite the fact that although both were in the midst of separation and divorce, neither was legally divorced yet.

Role reversals
Before they knew it, these people had become couples--and had to meet two, three, or even four generations of one another's families. How does being a parent and introducing a mate to your teenager compare with being a teenager and bringing someone home to meet Mom and Dad?

Marcia, an only child who'd never had children, suddenly was meeting John's brother, sister-in-law, daughter, and grandchildren. How did it go? She reports that John and his brother "are so much alike that it's scary, so I had no problem warming to him immediately," and his wife "hadn't had a sister-in-law for so long that she was pretty grateful not to have to handle both of them alone any more!" And from the way she refers to "our daughter" and "our grandbabies," you know even before Marcia says so that they "snuck into my heart and stole it while I wasn't looking." As a bonus, she adds, John's relationship with his daughter has improved "about 200%" since their romance began.

When mom falls in love
When Annie, a semi-retired theology teacher, psychological counselor and philosophy instructor, began "singing around the house," she caught her son's attention. The 20-year-old student, who lives at his mother's house when not at college, "said I was acting like a teenager," she says with a cyber-grin, "but he meant it as a compliment."

None of the couples interviewed for this article wish they'd met at a younger age. "We've talked about this," says Marcia. "We were both married at 20 and agree that it was waaaaaaaaay too young. We hadn't had time to season, to mellow, to age sufficiently. We needed to experience all that we have in order to become the people we are and appreciate what we've found in one another. We have more patience. The little stuff doesn't bother us as much. We know we're in this forever, but most young people figure that there's always an 'out' and are much less likely to put the effort into making the relationship work."

No room for betrayal
"The physical part is completely unimportant," Marcia adds. "What matters...is honesty, faith in one another, belief in one another, and integrity. Since we're best friends, we relate on two levels, neither one of which has any room for deception or betrayal."